is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
