My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
