What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
