My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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