I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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