That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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