just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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