was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
