I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
