so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
