It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
That accounts for only three of the penises
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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