somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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