I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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