i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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