Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I wish i was in the wii world.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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