Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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