im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
