all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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