So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
