Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize