When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
