There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Randomize
