It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
