Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
