So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
