I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
