What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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