I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
