i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
