she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
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