I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
