We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
