I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
