I smell stomach acid.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
