she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize