Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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