I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You ruined the universe
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
