Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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