You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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