Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
