If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
