He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I checked into jail on foursquare
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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