Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
