i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
