I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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