Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
