Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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