3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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