Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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