i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize