Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
North Korea, Best Korea!
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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